a letter to myself; 2018.

congratulations, you almost made it out! 

You started 2018 with a bang: a huge resignation letter was sent to a studio who pays your bill every month and keeping things afloat. A lot of mid afternoon crying on skype and discord talking to your favorite partner since 10 years ago. 

and exactly 30 days later; you were back! I mean, HELLO! you can't stop wondering if this is how you should've ended your favorite side-job; and then you decided to go back--right on time. Your favorite client is recording and you helped saved 2-3 tracks from overly autotuned. 

You feel good. and bad. because most of your clients are gone to find new talents to replace you. And one particular track was so much of a mess you decided to not putting it on your resume. It sold though. Way to go!

Life is crazy. 

You had your craziest months--travelling out of town with a lot of people-new and old. You made mental notes to stop being so bitchy when you're tired. (i'm sorry guys, i hope y'all forgave me; thanks for sticking by)

You had your craziest day; trying to convince a client that his work aren't going to fly. Yet they do it anyway. It doesn't fly--at least the way you had expected them. You learned to just... well, let it flow. Even if letting it flow meaning you have to listen to 18 hours of grueling autotunes and plagiarized music. 

You hit your first 8 digits income with this blog--and were so proud of it. But then your water pumping system broke, and the air conditioner broke (twice!), your car suddenly needs more maintenance than it should be, and you blew those 8 digits REBUILDING your bedroom into a home office (and it still doesn't look like an office tho--stop sleeping there OR playing PUBG there for god sake)

Then you realized how broke you are when all 5 clients decided to delay their payment at the same time. But God is ever so kind, because He decided you got to win a few contest here and there SO there you go, you're alive and well. He's taking care of you. You need to be REALLY grateful for that.

After years not going to the temple you decided to go back--for a vacation photos you hoped to sent your folks back home--and meeting new faces, new wisdom. You stopped for a moment, contemplating whether you should burn an incense or hang your wishes in the tree... and you met this man who's teaching you the way of life. The way you have lost years ago.

You are getting old; a quarter century, yet you were learning to be a child again. To be reborn; to feel rebirth. to love everything analogous; feeling paper and ink stains your hand, spend your sleepless night on your darkroom creating pictures.

You learned to love yourself; opening yourselves to new idea (minimalism is really cool, but i'm sorry it's not for everyone), opening yourselves to more people (stop thinking that it's a bad idea), and most importantly you learn to text someone else to ask them for hanging out FIRST--it's a step. 

You met your newest circle of comfort: PUBG and online games every night. You mastered the game in a year--and asked to compete in a professional level (mobile-wise, it's a cool thing to do) which you failed to do since you have those wrist injury. Self note: STOP PLAYING PUBG FOR MORE THAN 4 HOURS AT A TIME--get a life! 

You stopped drinking and start eating healthier. You started a skincare routine. You speaks in a workshop. You are featured on an online magazine. You talk to a lot of new faces this year, and you feel good about it. If you think 2018 sucks, remember 2017 where you had to fight your chinese zodiac misfortunes, you self-centered asshole.

Despite of the depression, the anxieties, the sadness, the non-stop nonsenses, you managed to not kill yourself this year. You managed to get up in the morning and wear your pants (we have to celebrate this since you bought yourselves a lot of pants this year--and that's rare). 

2018, a mixture of happiness, anxieties and regret. One anxious soul after another. One mistake after another. One laughter after another. 

You made it out. That's always worth celebrating.